Flowers of Doom

Flowers of Doom

No, I can’t meet you anymore, don’t you see I am not even comfortable even talking with you right now, I don’t think I can deal with your behavior like what you did on my birthday. How could even you have said those things? I first thought may be somehow I can tolerate it, but when I see you all that anger comes back to me, everything you said keeps echoing in my ears and makes me restless. I don’t know I am doing the right thing or wrong, but I have decided it and I can’t change it now.

She kept saying me things and I was standing there wondering what just happened in last 4 months. We did have an ugly argument and then I tried to mend things. They were not working anyway. I tried to keep away from her, I thought maybe that will help her calm down, but it did not. Everything that I acted upon thinking positively just came back on me. No, this can’t be happening to me. I am not yet ready to lose her. Not yet. If I could find some way to explain her that may be what I did in the past was some way for saving my relation with her. And now I am standing here in front of her and she is letting me go. How could I tell her that I cried days and night for 2 months. How could I tell how much I needed her. And how could I tell her how much I loved her.

Four months back I was in turmoil. I knew someday I will fall in love with that girl. And someday I will lose her to someone else. I was stupid and I wanted her in my life forever. I was not strong enough to say that I loved her. And it would be the worst thing I could have done in my condition. It was a torture for me to look at her every time she came in front of me. It was not like I am not good enough for her. It was just a point that she will never be satisfied being with me. She can’t compromise. Then finally a day came when she noticed the heavy weight of love I was carrying on my shoulders. I chose my words carefully and some way I said to her 4 things that entirely shook our friendship like an earthquake of 9 Richter scale. Everything that I had built and expected to be safe from last 4 years was turned into rubble. That’s how amazing the life is. Everything is unexpected and everything is a surprise. I was too sure of my life that something like that could not happen to me but I was never too sure of myself. It was about 11.30 pm in night and we sitting on a bench in IISC at Bangalore. She was sitting by my side, perplexed what had happened to me over months, I would talk less, meet less often, and she felt as if I have been ignoring her. Anyone in her place would have questioned me. And anyone in my place would have refused to tell the truth. It was not difficult because I was afraid, it was not difficult because I was in love, it was difficult because of things I had done in past. And all those things would let me escape if I confessed anything to her. I had been suffering and after weeks of thinking I decided to end it however it would. I looked at her and said; whatever I am going to tell would come to you as a shock. So hold you self while I speak. And do not interfere in between, when I am finished you can say whatever you want to. She nodded in agreement.

I had practiced this moment in my thoughts over hundreds times till now. And still I am trembling. My thoughts were not clear, my heart was racing, I could not see anything clearly and neither was I able to anything in my surrounding.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and started to rerun the recorded tape that I had within my memory which was wearing out for the number of times I played it to myself, over and over again, talking to myself, to my walls, to my imaginary friends. With my eyes closed it did not appear so difficult, words found way to my mouth and sound started flowing through it. I did not know how long I took to start, but she was waiting as patiently she could, that was a moment she had been the best friend to me and I prayed it would stay that way.

I started; you know last time we were on train coming back from home after vacations and I told you that it will possibly be the last train journey we are on together, I was depressed and I was afraid. I wanted you to stay in my life not just a day not just a year more, but for the rest of my life. You know, you are one of the best persons I have met. I would never want to lose you, as a friend or as a person both. When you get married I would be jealous of the guy who gets married to you. And I would always somewhere in my heart will keep feeling sorry that why was I not born in your caste. May be that way it would have been a little easier for me to be with you.

I have kept feeling this for you for some time now. And I totally understand what you want I am not questioning you, I am not looking for an answer. I was just wondering what it would be like if things were a little different. I have always respected your friendship and I have always respected you. I just don’t know what would I do without you?

It would have taken me half an hour or something like that to say all this. I was a bit relieved and a bit unnerved. As I expected her to say something to me when I finished she still remained silent. I felt she is as confused as I am. And maybe she did understood what I meant. I looked at her face. It’s same every time I look at her, and I want to keep looking at it.

It was about 8 months back that I first time felt too close to her, first time I was not afraid to share my insecurities with, I was not afraid to be feeling like a looser. It was the first time I ever felt how much I was into her, and I can’t afford to let her go.

And right at that moment I was insecure, I was feeling like a looser, I knew it won’t be long before she leaves me forever.

She was still silent, and it was certainly not a good thing. If she had to feel sorry she could say. If she had to be angry she could scream. If she had to slap me I was ready to take that too. But silence was not a good thing at that time. It would only give her time to build her anger; it would give her time to be in pain. It would certainly give her time to decide to let me go.

I could not wait more. I asked her if she wanted to go for tea. She nodded. As we stood and walked about twenty steps, I turned back to the dimly lit area where the bench was placed, I took deep breath, turned back and kept walking. She did not notice that.

While we were walking towards the coffee board canteen there were many trees on the way with flowers blooming on them. They did not have any scent and they were faint pink color. I got a bunch of them and gave it to her. She accepted without saying anything, we kept walking. She had tea and I took a pack of appy.

I was thinking what she could be thinking. It didn’t take long and we were joined by one more friend and my thoughts came to a pause. It was time for me to leave. We were walking towards the hostel and both of them were talking. I was back into my thoughts again.

I remembered three years back I had an emotional crisis and I was feeling vulnerable. I wanted something in my life to hang on to. And there was no one immediate to me except her. I was trying everything to avoid falling in love with her. Finally one day I sent her a sms asking if she could accept me as a brother. She denied. I told her, see I have feelings for you, and they won’t go. And she was not bothered about it. And then I almost proposed. I could never make myself clear of both the things which one was a mistake.

For about a week we kept arguing over it. She wanted to make me realize that she was not good for me, or I was not good for her and finally it came to our religion. And I knew it from the beginning that it had to happen. We eventually stopped talking for some time.

Some fifteen days later she messaged me that she wanted to meet me. My faint hope that everything would get fixed was back. We met at a park at about 7.30 pm. As she started to speak my faint hope was dead. She kept speaking about a lot of things. About the things she did for me, for things she supported me and how I had back stabbed her by doing what I did.

Seriously, I could never understand what is wrong with girls. If she had called me just for humiliating me, then let it be, I won’t give up. I don’t have to. And I don’t know why was she counting the number of times she did anything for me? It was not like I never did anything for her. While we were together I have done countless things for her. And I never evinced those countless things. Those innumerous small things used to make me happy. Am I supposed to show her too? Was she blind or she just has a block? I guess she never appreciated what I did for her, or may be its just pure anger, nothing else.

When she was done humiliating me I stood up, and I left without a word. There was nothing left anyways she spoke all of them for me. I went back to my room, took a bottle of vodka, drank all of it and I wept for next 3 hours.

How can be someone so ruthless? It was hardly a year back when she used to send me imaginary hugs. Long sentimental friendship messages and definitions of it. Nothing was appropriate now. None of the definitions of friendship could cover this, none of them made sense. And all because when it comes to being ideal, every one of us in deep down selfish somehow. And we really don't care what happens to anyone but us.

After 3 days of no brushing, one week of junk food, fifteen days of alcohol and 2 months of crying almost every night, looking at the picture albums I was done with being sad, lonely and deserted. I asked myself, what am I doing with my life? Am I really that pathetic? Am I really this worthless? I don’t know if I was lying to myself. But for most of the questions I asked myself for next 15 minutes, the answer was NO.

It was time for a change. It was time to get out of the feeling of being dumped by a close friend. And then I found a blind date for myself. Life was back on track. I dated a Bengali girl. I went to a New Year party. I went to pubs.

On the other side of the world, one of our common friends was trying to make us talk. And she almost was able to break the ice. But it was thick and stubborn and cold. Our relation did improve for some time. Until her birthday.

On her birthday, there were some bomb explosions by terrorists in Bangalore. One person had died. People die in India everyday of something. And especially in our field we need to face dying people on daily basis.

We (our common friend, one more guy and me) met her in the evening for dinner. It was just a formal dinner. And most of the time we kept quiet. It was difficult for me to sit there with my mouth shut. I just joked, see there are bomb blasts on your birthday, people hate you so much. She could not tolerate it. And I did say some more things.

After that things went dormant. Once again we were not talking anymore till she called me on my birthday, and then I asked her if she would like to come for dinner. She did come. It was the second thing that I would never understand about girls. She said to me that she could not tolerate me after how I behaved with her on her birthday. Then why did she ever accept my invitation and come to dinner? Was it out of pity, or sympathy or was she simply paying back? It’s something still unanswered.

But when she came to dinner with me, I felt once more that things will be fine again. It was not love I was bothered about all the time. I was just not ready to lose that friend that I had in her.

Months later I had bought her the best gift that I think I could and I got it delivered to her through our common friend. For some reasons that I could not explain it came back to me. She did not accept it. I collected it back from our friend. And I called her.

Hey, I wanted to meet you.

She said.

No I can’t. I am not comfortable with you anymore. I thought I could take it, tolerate your behavior. 

But after how you behaved with me on my birthday I could not take it anymore. I don’t want to meet you. A lot of things have changed in last few months. I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong. But I thought a lot about all this and this is the only way I could figure out. We have been friends, but it’s not same anymore. What you said, what you did keep echoing inside me. How can you do this to me? I trusted you blindly. I used to support you for everything. I used to follow whatever you said. And then you give me this. No, this is not right at all. This is not what I expected from you. And I don’t want to see you anymore. Forget about meeting. I don’t want to talk to you anymore.

I was standing; all the while she was saying that. I didn’t have anything in my head. It was like a white noise in my thoughts, lots of disturbance and nothing at reception. Completely at disarray. I could not even understand most of what I said. I just totally messed up.

I said to myself. Yea, this is it. We are done. And I told her, you are doing the right thing.

I didn’t want to see her anymore; I did not want to know anything about her. I did not want to hear her voice. I came back to my room and I packed away whatever gifts and things I could find that reminded me of her. I never opened that box again.

It was the day of our graduation. And most of the ceremony was done. I was standing there with a friend and she came. She said- all the best for future. I just smiled. Shook my head, and moved on and turned the other side. I remembered the bunch of flowers I had gave her the day I told her those four wonderful things. I smiled to myself while I kept walking away from her.