The Last Time

The Last Time.

There are so many last times that we face in our lives, some worth remembering, some worth forgetting. And then there are some incidences that we can never forget even if we want to.

Something like that happened to me in summer of year 2009. It was the month of April. The only advantage of being in Bangalore is seasons are never at extremes. The only thing at extreme is pollution. It was a day with clear blue sky. I wanted it to rain. And rain heavily. Very rarely I would break down to tears and this was one such occasion, I wanted to lock myself up and cry like a baby. I felt like my most precious was being taken away from me.

I was standing there on railway platform, never been this lonely, never been this helpless. I had a million words to say and none would come out of my mouth. A whole tsunami of emotions was raging inside me, and I could break anytime. She sensed what was going inside me. And she gave me a faint smile.

I was not sure what that smile meant?

And how could I!

All of a sudden 5 years appeared to be such a short time to get to know each other. It felt like I wanted to live more out of them. My mind raced through all those moments that I might have missed in these years not being with her.

All these thoughts might have not taken more than a microsecond. All of a sudden my mind was working with stupendous speed. It was like I would blow up something.

I looked back at her and that faint smile persisted, this time it was just a bit more stretched. I’d never observed her so keenly. Her thin lips with a hint of lip gloss. I wouldn’t know why they appeared to be so pink today. Then I shifted my attention to her cheeks with a few scar marks of old pimples, still appearing so perfect to me. All of a sudden I felt like squeezing all of her into me and extract what ever I can out of her.

Was I afraid of loosing her? Or was I growing desperate?

I was wandering in my random thoughts when she called me.

I looked back and saw the smile again and back to my thoughts, it was like having hallucinations one after the other. But this time before I could get inundate into it, she came close to me and asked what are you thinking of?

I couldn’t help but say, I don’t know, a lot of things maybe, it was just last year about the same time that we were on train talking if it could be our last journey. But I hoped that it wont be and now I look back to it, everything is so painful, and I am not even sure if I am hurt.

Hurt or not, I knew I don’t want her to go. And I can’t stop her.

She smiled, and I couldn’t help but ask, is this the last time I am seeing you smile or hear your voice? I don’t know Soni I don’t want you to go.

This time she broke into laughter. Was I making fool of myself?

How could I know? Then came the computerized announcement of the train being half an hour late. I sighed. I hoped I could extract every single second now and just kept starring at her face. I wanted to take that clock out of the platform and break it into million pieces. I never hated a clock much more than this moment.

She suddenly held my hand and I was shocked for all this years I have known her, she was not the kind of person who would make a physical contact, even if its for shaking hand.

I remember once when she was in a bit depression and wanted to talk. It was about 7 in the evening and getting dark, we were sitting at a garden. She was talking, talking and talking and all of a sudden broke into tears. Although it was she who was crying but it was me who was feeling to be vulnerable. I sat there, silently holding her tight and tears rolling down my face.

And now I am here, she holding my hand and I was about to break down.

She said, stupid, it will be ok.

We’ll be in contact.

I would never believe a girl if she ever said to me that we will be in contact, it literally meant that I am going forever.

There were lot of times when we would go for having ice-creams, and coffee, she would never be scared, or uncomfortable with me even if she was alone. And I would never try to take any advantage of hers.

She said lets go for a walk.

I just nodded my head.

I remembered the few times when we went to the a lake, and took rounds after the other, and when she’ll feel tired we would sit on the grass and talk everything that would be unimportant to anyone. And I liked talking with her.

She would never hear my philosophies but she would listen to all the paltry I had to blab. I would be soft and slow when she’ll be around. And we reached the end of platform. Stood there for about 5 seconds, felt like that’s it. That’s how our relation is going to be.

For the first time she seemed a bit low for the last 2 hours of me being with her at the station.

She said, let’s just turn around.

Can we?

I mean here, we can’t turn the time.

Humm, I wish I could.

We turned.

And then it was the other end.

Life was exactly the same for a moment, there is an entrance and there can be more than one end.

Not everyone gets the end that we look for.

At times we won’t want an end.

I noticed she was still holding my hand.

Was I this numb? Why am I?

We were back to the point where we put her luggage.

She sat down, and it was not because she was tired. It was cause she was growing weak.

I felt it was not a good idea coming to drop her.

It was more like an emotional trauma.

I just stood close to her and was mum. How can I explain to her what I was feeling?

Should I try that?

What is she feeling? Is she feeling the same that I am ? How could have I known. And didn’t have guts to ask her either.

The thin film of tear in my eyes was growing thicker. Everything started growing blur. I tried too hard to control it, but failed miserably. I blinked and a tear dropped from my eye on to her hand.

Guess she noticed. She looked towards me, was it sympathy, was it pity or it was love?

Love is an interesting word.

I never thought if what I was feeling for her was love.

And if it is then why is it there. Or was it just an overt, unwieldy expression of angst of loosing her. What ever it was I wanted to get over with it soon.

If I had to loose her it better be fast.

And then there was an announcement of the train to be arriving soon.

I turned towards her, and she looked deep in my eyes. There were no words but we did express that it’s about time.

I spoke up, Soni you know; I always wondered how will it end.

Hey it’s not the end, she quipped.

Humm.. I mean how would we leave this city, and somehow I knew it won't be easy. Not because I liked being here, it’s because of you.

I didn’t know I was so special to you, she added.

You didn’t? I was surprised. All through the 5 years whatever effort I’d put suddenly appeared to be waste. There is little that I could have not done to make her feel special. I had started to pack my gifts myself for her, make my own bouquet for her, those in-numerous thorn pricks I obtained. Everything.

Was she faking?

I just nodded my head.

Hey, you are special friend to me all the time. So don’t feel low. We enjoyed our time together, what else can I ask more.

More time, I said to myself.

What did special mean? Does the word Special has any definition?

I could see her train approach from far corner of the platform, blowing its horn, may be it was telling me that your time is over. I felt like a lonely albatross sitting on a iceberg and a ship pass by me, wailing its horn telling me to fly by.

I stood and lifted her bag, I heard no sound no more, felt no weight of anything but myself, and it was growing heavy.

I put her luggage at the supposed place, pretending everything to be normal.

I got down and was standing outside the window of the seat.

The train would leave in a minute or so.

I said, you know I want to tell you something.

Yea, say.

I was out of words again.

I’ll miss you a lot more than I thought, I said. All I wanted to tell her that I loved her. But I couldn’t do it.

Don’t lie. She replied.

Why would I lie? I would lie about anything else but why this?

Her train started to move. So did I. I kept walking till I could and her train caught speed soon. I waved and kept waving, and wished her all the best for future, so did she.

It was the last moment I had with her, I screamed, Soni, I love you. But it got muffled because of the noise of train and people talking loudly to their loved ones.

I thought I could call her and tell. I took out my phone and dialed her number.

It was the most disappointing moment in my life, what I heard was, the number you’ve dialed is temporary out of service.

I met her so regularly that I didn't even remember when I talked with her last on phone.

I stood there for a minute. Until the train had disappeared and people left the platform deserted.

I felt that entire vacuum developing inside me. Just a person less in life could leave such a huge void.

And i left the station.

6 months passed since then. I didn't hear from her. Neither did i get any message, Nor did i hear anything about her from any other person.

It was the last time, I saw her smile and she held my hand. It was the last time when I said I love you to someone. And may be the last time I fell in love, even if it was for a moment.